Not so exciting anymore

The hard part has come....I am so over the "honeymoon" stage of my new outlook on life. Its difficult, I am struggeling to catch myself when I am being too hard on myself or feeling that " fight or flight " response to trivial things. I get the flight response ....I gotta get out of here I need to do something different, be someone different , dissapear. I'm trying to trace back how the feelings start. I notice a common thread ...looking deeper there is a way to talk myself down. It wasn't easy, I dont want this to feel like a waste of time...I need this motivation to keep up!

Day Two :

After the important realizations I made on Tuesday I feel happier. I don't know what happened but something clicked. Its raining and I am still motivated to get out of bed at 830 in the morning. I felt less guilty about the carmel latte and way more open to the idea of confrentation.

judges thyself cruely

Is there something to loose?
What I have already is lost
Do I have to choose?
Saying weighs at a high cost
................................................
I crossed my fingers and pinched the blanket tight
To give myself a push
I couldnt speak the words I wanted to say
Il say it another night
................................................

I live in this box, afraid of trust
I can control the weight that is apon me
but lifting it requires a shift in behavior,views of confrontation, ability to accept love,dislike


(She can however rationalize her thoughts)


I WANT TO GET OUT OF THE LITTLE BUBBLE I SURROUND MYSELF IN I HATE IT..
I hate feeling the overwhelming feeling that everyone I love will dissapear ( I KNOW THEY WONT) I need capital letters tonight, they give me comfort in this night where I realize

Yes, I cannot complain about my obstacles I'm gonna do something about them...I cannot change the past. I just cant, so resilence please kick in.

I dont think people take me seriously= I believe that I cannot be taken seriously or take most things seriously for that matter so I do not act serious most of the time. As well as I just make harsh judgements on myself and ONLY myself.. ( if you know me then you know I take everyones feelings and beliefs into consideration to give them the benifit of the doubt)

I listen to everyone, but feel uncomfortable talking about my personal life and such= I am used to just being a soundboard so my private life is on the back burner when it comes to conversation. When I try and articulate problems I trip over my words. I feel like skin that is not under a blister, exposed and sensitive to anything outside the transparent bubble that was once protecting me. Sometimes I think people won't care other times I just am afraid to hear their opinions....when I do say something it does help...getting out from under the saftey zone of my own mind is hard.


The dudes thing......... Yeah Yeah Yeah Dadless girl issues we have all heard them from intro to psych classes and tv movies. I am not too easy or anything i'm just open about my strong sexual urges. I grew up in an open environment. I feel clingy and needy sometimes but thats just the judgy side of me...I think i'm being needy for asking for anything so yeah I am currently on "ok" terms with my dad..I harbor resentment for him not being around but I harbor even more resentment for the fact that I can rationalize the reasoning why he wasnt around. I suck at the trust thing with dudes, I don't accept love from guys because I dont want to be voulenrable...THAT IS SAD AND AWFUL. It's the bubble talking not me ........ it wont come crumbeling down ..... its the guard that holds me from everything, everything I can feel thats on the other side of the wall, the journey up a mountain to only find miles and miles of peeks. I do not want you at arms legnth, I dont want these silly games that I play.


I feel like I need to be independent, like I want to be expendable in the people I loves lives so I can just fade away into being a stranger on the road...THATS NOT FAIR to anyone and I realize this....


I'm working on it...I wanna work harder. I refuse to accept that this is how it is for me..... I'm getting there. The first part of fixing things is realizing they exist and having motivation to fix them. I need this raw exposure in writing...I need proof so I can hold on to moments of peace like these when I feel overwhelemed by "me just being me"