Not so exciting anymore

The hard part has come....I am so over the "honeymoon" stage of my new outlook on life. Its difficult, I am struggeling to catch myself when I am being too hard on myself or feeling that " fight or flight " response to trivial things. I get the flight response ....I gotta get out of here I need to do something different, be someone different , dissapear. I'm trying to trace back how the feelings start. I notice a common thread ...looking deeper there is a way to talk myself down. It wasn't easy, I dont want this to feel like a waste of time...I need this motivation to keep up!

Day Two :

After the important realizations I made on Tuesday I feel happier. I don't know what happened but something clicked. Its raining and I am still motivated to get out of bed at 830 in the morning. I felt less guilty about the carmel latte and way more open to the idea of confrentation.

judges thyself cruely

Is there something to loose?
What I have already is lost
Do I have to choose?
Saying weighs at a high cost
................................................
I crossed my fingers and pinched the blanket tight
To give myself a push
I couldnt speak the words I wanted to say
Il say it another night
................................................

I live in this box, afraid of trust
I can control the weight that is apon me
but lifting it requires a shift in behavior,views of confrontation, ability to accept love,dislike


(She can however rationalize her thoughts)


I WANT TO GET OUT OF THE LITTLE BUBBLE I SURROUND MYSELF IN I HATE IT..
I hate feeling the overwhelming feeling that everyone I love will dissapear ( I KNOW THEY WONT) I need capital letters tonight, they give me comfort in this night where I realize

Yes, I cannot complain about my obstacles I'm gonna do something about them...I cannot change the past. I just cant, so resilence please kick in.

I dont think people take me seriously= I believe that I cannot be taken seriously or take most things seriously for that matter so I do not act serious most of the time. As well as I just make harsh judgements on myself and ONLY myself.. ( if you know me then you know I take everyones feelings and beliefs into consideration to give them the benifit of the doubt)

I listen to everyone, but feel uncomfortable talking about my personal life and such= I am used to just being a soundboard so my private life is on the back burner when it comes to conversation. When I try and articulate problems I trip over my words. I feel like skin that is not under a blister, exposed and sensitive to anything outside the transparent bubble that was once protecting me. Sometimes I think people won't care other times I just am afraid to hear their opinions....when I do say something it does help...getting out from under the saftey zone of my own mind is hard.


The dudes thing......... Yeah Yeah Yeah Dadless girl issues we have all heard them from intro to psych classes and tv movies. I am not too easy or anything i'm just open about my strong sexual urges. I grew up in an open environment. I feel clingy and needy sometimes but thats just the judgy side of me...I think i'm being needy for asking for anything so yeah I am currently on "ok" terms with my dad..I harbor resentment for him not being around but I harbor even more resentment for the fact that I can rationalize the reasoning why he wasnt around. I suck at the trust thing with dudes, I don't accept love from guys because I dont want to be voulenrable...THAT IS SAD AND AWFUL. It's the bubble talking not me ........ it wont come crumbeling down ..... its the guard that holds me from everything, everything I can feel thats on the other side of the wall, the journey up a mountain to only find miles and miles of peeks. I do not want you at arms legnth, I dont want these silly games that I play.


I feel like I need to be independent, like I want to be expendable in the people I loves lives so I can just fade away into being a stranger on the road...THATS NOT FAIR to anyone and I realize this....


I'm working on it...I wanna work harder. I refuse to accept that this is how it is for me..... I'm getting there. The first part of fixing things is realizing they exist and having motivation to fix them. I need this raw exposure in writing...I need proof so I can hold on to moments of peace like these when I feel overwhelemed by "me just being me"

a million different things

  It was  this past Sunday that  I had rolled out of bed around 1 in the afternoon and purchased a rather delayed dose of coffee. Even though I had slept a total of twelve hours the previous night my body still beckoned for caffeine.  The owner of Legaires was baristing as usual, asked me before ordering my drink if I wanted yesterday's drink order of a carmel late, I replied "nah, im gonna get an iced coffee." He raised an eyebrow at me and stated, " I always try and remember peoples drinks but I guess you're a wild card".  

Wild card - An unpredictable or unforeseeable factor

sounds about right! hahaha

changing

I am now two months and five days into being twenty years old. I  seem to find myself feeling less and less guilty for vocalizing my needs and for standing up for myself. I have always felt semi regretful for saying anything flawed about those who I care about. I believe that some of this inner turmoil stems from my lack of trust in others; thinking that if I said or did something displeasing to them they would walk out of my life forever.  It was easier to just be nice than to cause a conflict, and it is easier, but not always the best way to go about things.

Notes to self

yes another post! hahaha

1) Stop waiting for forever  

2) Change the world, even if just for your own liking  

3) Keep laughing at your own jokes  

4) Be strong, don't let anyone knock you on your ass so hard that you can't get up

5) Stay curious about everything

6)

Stop trying to prove yourself to feel cool

7)

Your nostalgia may seem like a burden but at least it makes even the most mediocre memories seem vivid and exciting

8)

Let the right people in, there are few who sure as hell deserve it and sometimes its actually worth it

9)

Keep listening to crappy music while watching shitty movies if it makes you smile

10)

Cut yourself some slack (shit happens) worrying about your mishaps just gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.

ballad for the chaotic

Sometimes a little voice inside my head tells me that I won't finish college. No, it is not because I have low self confidence (well I know I don't but thats another story) I think its because I'm afraid of a number of things accompanying a degree. 

1) I am really afraid that I will kinda slide by in school like I always have. I have no idea how exactly to work up to my potential. I see peers doing extra curriculars and taking advantage of different things such as befriending professors 0r putting their hearts into papers. Maybe I don't push myself towards goals because it seems as though they would be set in stone after I accomplish them. 

2)

I suppose I do not have low self confidence I have low self efficacy. Although I fortunately posses a thirst to learn as much as I can while I am alive, knowledge in one area of interest is difficult. I aspire to be a well rounded individual, so I guess I can be mistaken as indecisive or passionless.

3) Im only twenty. You may be able to plan your life year to year, I'm more concerned with figuring out who I am. On my quest of personal discovery maybe I will find consistency.

4) I want my life to be filled with rich experiences. I do not want a 9-5 desk job.... My restless self (and ass) cannot take it. 

5) im just being dumb now ....bed time

75 Questions to ask yourself

75 questions to ask yourself!

1) Why not me?
My first response after reading the first question of seventy five is, is this a question often asked by most to make it to the number one spot? I feel like in the course of my twenty years I have asked myself, " Why not me", when complaring the way my life has paned out in comparison to those why I surround myself with. I seem to feel a million different ways every day but right now at 7:10 pm (10:10 EST) is if anything happened the way I planed it to I would be wondering why not me for something else. I may feel different in an hour or two hours or even tomorrow morning right now its not why not me its just this is me.