changing

I am now two months and five days into being twenty years old. I  seem to find myself feeling less and less guilty for vocalizing my needs and for standing up for myself. I have always felt semi regretful for saying anything flawed about those who I care about. I believe that some of this inner turmoil stems from my lack of trust in others; thinking that if I said or did something displeasing to them they would walk out of my life forever.  It was easier to just be nice than to cause a conflict, and it is easier, but not always the best way to go about things.

Notes to self

yes another post! hahaha

1) Stop waiting for forever  

2) Change the world, even if just for your own liking  

3) Keep laughing at your own jokes  

4) Be strong, don't let anyone knock you on your ass so hard that you can't get up

5) Stay curious about everything

6)

Stop trying to prove yourself to feel cool

7)

Your nostalgia may seem like a burden but at least it makes even the most mediocre memories seem vivid and exciting

8)

Let the right people in, there are few who sure as hell deserve it and sometimes its actually worth it

9)

Keep listening to crappy music while watching shitty movies if it makes you smile

10)

Cut yourself some slack (shit happens) worrying about your mishaps just gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.

ballad for the chaotic

Sometimes a little voice inside my head tells me that I won't finish college. No, it is not because I have low self confidence (well I know I don't but thats another story) I think its because I'm afraid of a number of things accompanying a degree. 

1) I am really afraid that I will kinda slide by in school like I always have. I have no idea how exactly to work up to my potential. I see peers doing extra curriculars and taking advantage of different things such as befriending professors 0r putting their hearts into papers. Maybe I don't push myself towards goals because it seems as though they would be set in stone after I accomplish them. 

2)

I suppose I do not have low self confidence I have low self efficacy. Although I fortunately posses a thirst to learn as much as I can while I am alive, knowledge in one area of interest is difficult. I aspire to be a well rounded individual, so I guess I can be mistaken as indecisive or passionless.

3) Im only twenty. You may be able to plan your life year to year, I'm more concerned with figuring out who I am. On my quest of personal discovery maybe I will find consistency.

4) I want my life to be filled with rich experiences. I do not want a 9-5 desk job.... My restless self (and ass) cannot take it. 

5) im just being dumb now ....bed time

75 Questions to ask yourself

75 questions to ask yourself!

1) Why not me?
My first response after reading the first question of seventy five is, is this a question often asked by most to make it to the number one spot? I feel like in the course of my twenty years I have asked myself, " Why not me", when complaring the way my life has paned out in comparison to those why I surround myself with. I seem to feel a million different ways every day but right now at 7:10 pm (10:10 EST) is if anything happened the way I planed it to I would be wondering why not me for something else. I may feel different in an hour or two hours or even tomorrow morning right now its not why not me its just this is me.

go on and take a bow.

I'm a tight rope walker on one side below me lies my rent utilities and groceries the other my crippling motivation for education. The end of this tight rope there will be an illuminated and or so I think, it may just be more years working at Barnes and Noble while being submerged in loan payments for the next fifteen years. Successfully holding my balance above such treacherous waters is a thrill in itself that when  I realize just how thin this rope is my fear keeps me from moving forward. 

Lucky Strike

" Nostalgia delicate but potent, in Greek means the pain from an old wound. it’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. It takes us to a place where we ache to go again." - Don Draper , Episode 13 Mad Men.....I tweaked it because it was his ad pitch. 

First page new story that I may or may not continue

It was four o’clock in the morning the New Years Eve party was dieing down. In the attempt to resurrect any sort of buzz I started sipping a glass of some red cocktail I found in the kitchen so slowly that I could see the air bubbles between the crimson liquid going up the clear straw. I then realized how effeminate I must look but who cared. Sitting on my friend Matt’s porch listening to the retards in the living room playing guitar hero, I felt so far removed from them. I light up a number 27 and look into last years snow still on the ground from Thanksgiving break. Man, I remembered when Connecticut would actually get blizzards.  I get nostalgic on New Years, which sucks. Letting the ash fall from my smoke onto my new Addidas I pretend like I have no past, I’m a random dude pondering on a stranger’s porch shivering under my hoodie. Thinking deep on New Years is so cliche.

Random directions!

Sometimes my creativity hides when I submerge under piles of stress....SO I LIST MY POTENTIAL FUTURE ! 

(I am aware of this not being blog worthy)

I am trotting around the United States

I see a dude in my new neighborhood coffee shop that looks like Harold and Maude's Bud Court

-Am I in Love?

I tend to capitalize every word accept for, "and", "the" .... those little guys are not worthy of capitalization in my stubborn mind....

Its not that I am not smart I just know that I never paid attention in school grades 1- 10 

Kindergarden I picked up the alphabet before most 

I never wanna leave coffee shops ....I AM ALWAYS TEMPTED TO BUY ANOTHER COFFEE!

ITS WHAT GETS ME THROUGH THE DAY

haha since I have been calling so many farmers through oregon i wanna write  a short story about a young woman who doesn't wanna take over the family business. 

I think caffeine makes me too happy...stupid addiction

Songs of the season

Red Red Wine

We Are Nowhere and its Now

Dont Think Twice Its Alright